My Beloved Nikita 2001-2012

We lost our beautiful Nikita this last weekend to a pancreatic tumor. There were no signs until Sunday morning he wouldn’t eat. He wouldn’t get up. He was drinking an abnormal amount of water and throwing it all up. Rushing him to the hospital that morning, I had no idea I would never be bringing my boy home again.I just couldn’t accept the possible prognosis Sunday evening that it was cancer. No weight loss, no loss of appetite until that morning. We played our game of ball Saturday evening. All our regular routines. He was slightly off Saturday when I returned from being out of town for the better part of the day, but I thought it was his anxieties knowing I was away.X-rays, ultrasounds and blood work were not conclusive. He had a fever of 105 and vitals dropped even quicker as we checked in with the doctors. The medical team didn’t think he’d make it through the night. I asked if I could stay with him and they thoughtfully set me up in a room and hooked up his IV and monitors to him so I could be with him in a private room. The night shift doctor advised me that I couldn’t stay the whole evening and I nodded that it was understood.

It was bad. Really bad. I couldn’t get my head around how fast it happened and where we were. I held my boy in the dark and on the floor for over 6 hours. Medical staff checked on him very regularly, taking his vitals. I expected that any minute they were going to gently advise me that it was time for me to leave, but I guess it’s pretty hard to tell a fur-child’s parent to leave when they’re lying in the dark holding their dying child. I wouldn’t have left him with his vitals so dangerously off. I couldn’t bear the thought of him passing away…Alone, and not knowing that I was there with him.

Around midnight, my boy’s vitals began to stabilize. His temperature hovered at 101, he was breathing easier and for the first time since I had brought him in, he was trying to stand up and walk around. Hope. Exhausted and knowing full well that we weren’t out of the woods yet, I felt confident to go home and get some sleep to prepare for the day ahead.

Arriving the next morning I wanted to believe that he’d be sitting up and ready to go home. Doctors still couldn’t positively conclude that it was a tumor. My hope that it was treatable pancreatitis was fading, but I still held on that this was a fluke, he ate something that did some medical wonder mystery. However, seeing my boy that morning was not what I had expected. He took a drastic turn for the worse. Without knowing what was ailing him, there could be no moving forward. They’d have to open him up and do an exploratory surgery to see the side of the pancreas that was not visible from x-rays and ultrasounds. The catch was that, if it was a tumor the chances of his survival were poor. We were gently advised that depending on what they found, we may have to consider not bringing him out from the anesthesia. Without further belaboring the details, it became conclusive and visible that my beloved had a tumor. What an absolute nightmare.

I held my boy and had my face buried in his fur around his neck as he drew his last breath. My heart is so broken.

In my following posts, I’ll be writing about my Niki…celebrating and remembering his beautiful and loving heart.

Be at peace, my Niki. Words cannot express my love and gratitude for all the love and happiness you brought to our lives. I love you, my beautiful, sweet boy…

My Niki My Beloved Nikita 2001-2012.

~Cristina | Corgi Tales